Planet of the Ludicrous (a parody)

Kassidy Rae

 

 

 

Summary:

Contains references to the actors' personal lives (work-related only) and nitpicks regarding the show. You'd have to be a rabid fan to know them, I think (yes, I do know what this says about me). And it's just rather horribly stupid - you've been warned. The 2001 movie came out when I wrote this so that's why the references to the movie. It was fun at the time?

*

"Hmm…" said Galen, climbing out of the cave they’d sheltered in to join the two astronauts. "I almost forgot. Do you know what today is?" He stretched, enjoying the fresh morning air.

Burke rummaged through his knapsack, pulling out a barber kit he’d managed to save from their space ship before the apes had blown it and everything else on board to kingdom come. He shaved carefully, wincing at the dull blade, and pulled out a tiny mirror. He smiled at his reflection. "God, you are one hell of a fine-lookin’ man," he muttered, and flashed a smile complete with dimples. 

Alan watched with keen interest. "You really are, Pete," he said seriously. "If I weren’t married…" Burke shot him a dirty look. 

"Well, Alan, you’ve been married over 2000 years now. I think it’s understandable if your eye strays occasionally," said Galen agreeably.

Burke pulled out the scissors. "Here, Galen, hold this for me, wouldya," he said, and handed him the mirror. Five minutes later, Burke’s layered hair was perfectly coiffed once again.

"How do you do that?" asked Galen, wide-eyed. 

Burke laughed. "Just be glad I am multi-talented, otherwise you’d be a mess." He fluffed Galen’s fur absently, picking at some fleas. Burke went to Alan next and started to work, pulling clumps of hair out from his head, measuring. "Uh-huh… a little here…" he commenced snipping. Five minutes later he was done.

Galen looked at him, wide-eyed. "Oh Alan… I don’t know what to say."

"Looks good, huh?" Alan said, puffing his chest out.

"Yeah… in a mad-dog with mange kind of way…." Galen trailed off, then clapped a hand over his mouth. "Oops, I’m not supposed to know what dogs are. Scratch that."

Alan looked in the mirror and shrieked at the wild peaks of hair jutting off his head. "What the hell did you do that for, Pete?" he said, blue eyes glaring at his friend.

"That’s for giving me the once-over, Al… just a warning," said Pete smugly.

Alan leapt up and slapped the back of Pete’s head. "I’m your commanding officer, Pete. Don’t forget it."

"Even if he does look like a doofus," Galen added helpfully.

"I wouldn’t start anything," sneered Burke. "Unless you’d like a little taste of Burke-fu!"

The two men circled, then descended upon one another, fists flying. A cloud of dust surrounded them. When it settled, Alan had Pete pinned to the ground, kneeling down over him. He growled into Pete’s ear. "Say it!" Pete was silent. Alan jack-slapped him. "I said SAY IT!"

Pete sighed. "Okay, Al, okay. ‘I’m not as pretty as I think I am.’ There, satisfied?"

Alan climbed off his chest and threw Pete an apologetic look. "Sorry. Got a little carried away."

Pete gestured to Alan’s hair. "Me too, buddy. Even-steven?"

Alan nodded, smiling. "Even-steven." He helped Burke up and stood next to him, hand on Burke’s shoulder. Burke’s eyes narrowed. He threw Alan warning look.

Galen sighed and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, as I was saying. Today is Beltane Day."

"And that is?" inquired Alan.

"Basically, it’s a Monkey Mating Day. The entire species participates in sexual activity, except virgins.  The old, infirm, decrepit, disgusting, unconscious… they all do it."

Burke picked a stalk of grass and chewed thoughtfully on it. "Let me get this straight. Basically, we have to make sure you get some ‘monkey mamma’ today. Does that about cover it, buddy?"

Galen thought a moment, then nodded. 

Alan said, "Is this like pon-far?"

Galen made a face. "That’s for Vulcans… get your sci-fi straight, will you?"

"One other question…" Virdon cleared his throat. "Where do we go and get you this monkey tail, Galen?"

Galen stared at him. "Why, Central City, I suppose. It’s heavily populated… I’m likely to pick up a hot one there, don’t you think?"

"Sure, okay," Alan replied. Burke and Virdon’s eyes met, communicating without words their intentions to mollify the silly chimpanzee.

"What say we round up some breakfast?" said Pete to Galen. They crashed off into the brush, returning shortly afterwards with some opars

Al made a face, then sighed. "Is this the only fruit grown on the planet?" he said, resignedly biting down into the fruit. 

Galen nodded. "Apparently in the nuclear meltdown, all the fruit genes merged. This is all that’s left." They chewed in silence, pondering.

"Time to go take a leak," announced Burke, leaping up. He walked over to a tree and began his business. "Hey guys… do you ever wonder where the apes go to the bathroom?  I swear, I’ve yet to see a toilet on this planet. What’s up with that, Galen?"

"Up with that?" he turned to Alan, puzzled.

Alan sighed. "Never mind, numb-nuts."

Galen shrugged. "Well, if you want to know where we go to the bathroom, the answer is the same as the three of us do…. outside."

Burke made a face. "So that’s why Central City smells so bad." The three friends wondered off into the trees, following their noses to the city. As with most episodes, they traveled quickly with no sane explanation, entering the outskirts within minutes of leaving the forest.

"Would you look at that… its Ape City," said Virdon knowingly. 

Galen gave him a withering look. "Ape City is in the New York area. Central City is in California, dummy. Just because they use the same establishing shot from the Chuck Heston original motion picture is no reason to go getting your coasts mixed up."

The city was eerily quiet. "Everyone is makin’ whoopee. Say, Burke, don’t you sing that song? And quite nicely, I’ve heard," Galen whispered.

Burke looked pleasantly surprised. "I didn’t realize you knew I sang. I’ve got a whole cabaret act I perform, if you’d like to hear the rest of it.." he started.

"Well let’s get to it," interrupted Alan abruptly. " I’ve got this disk and I’m trying to plug it into every computer in every moldering, abandoned city in the San Francisco area until episode three or so, when I forget about it completely. I don’t have time for monkey business…so to speak," Virdon said, smiling faintly and catching Burke’s eye.

Burke smirked knowingly. "You’re just jealous because you’ve only been in that snake movie lately and they cut out your part in ‘Pearl Harbor’," he said in a sing-song voice. 

Virdon threw him a sour look. "Lets get Galen a guerrilla… ah a gorilla… good grief. Let’s go get him some monkey tail and get out of here, okay?"

Burke shrugged. "Sure, buddy. Anything you say."

Just then Urko strode out into the middle of the street. "Where are all the cows?" he screamed.

"What the hell do you want with a cow?" said Burke belligerently, brown eyes flashing.

"Say, Galen… would Urko fit the requirements for Beltane’s Day? I’m really in a rush," Alan said. "Sondra Locke is waiting for me in the next eppy."

Galen sighed, rolling his eyes. "You know very well, Alan, that I am only gay off camera. As Galen, I am a full-blooded, virile, hetero chimpanzee… see if you can get it ‘straight’, just this once."

Urko watched the exchange with impatience. He stepped up to Burke and grabbed his blue shirt, shaking him menacingly. "Why do you want to know about the cow, human?"

"Take it easy, Urko, take it easy. You and yours have always been the rulers of the planet. That won’t change," said Burke with a sickly grin. "I’m just wondering why you’re out here on Beltane Day, chasing cows."

"Well as you know, we don’t eat meat… but we do need leather for our outfits," Urko said with a smile. "After I did the dirty with Elta, I went out for some cow-catching, so I can surprise the troops with new shirts tomorrow."

"That’s great, Urko, just great," said Burke in a placating voice. Suddenly before them appeared a whirlwind. When the dust cleared, they saw that a pod had set down before them. The door opened and before them appeared an alluring female chimp. She leapt off the pod and walked towards them, extending her hand.

"Hello," she said. "My name is Ari."

Galen offered his hand as if in a daze. "I’m Galen. Where did you come from?"

"Well, I was flying in this little space pod and then I got caught in some turbulence. Next thing you know, I’m landing here," she shrugged. "By the way, where is here?"

"Never mind all that. Don’t you know today is Beltane Day?"

"Really, we’d better attend to it, then, hadn’t we? Good thing you told me, though, or I’d never realized it was today," said Ari thoughtfully.

Galen turned to Urko. "Can I borrow your place?" asked Galen.

Urko hesitated, then nodded. "We apes have got to stick together for the holiday.  As long as you understand that after today, I’ll kill you as soon as look at you … all right."

Galen nodded. Urko led Ari and Galen to his home nearby. The astronauts waited impatiently outside, tapping their feet in boredom. 

Out of the window floated Ari’s voice: "Oh… Leo, please, oh my GOD!"

Then Galen’s: "Give it to me, ATTAR, yes, YES!"

Burke and Alan sniggered while Urko averted his eyes, embarrassed. 

Shortly after, Galen led Ari out of the house by the hand. He scuffed his foot in the dirt. "You don’t know how glad I am to make your acquaintance…" he murmured.

Ari simpered. "The pleasure was all mine." She headed for the pod. Urko ran after her, growling, while the three friends headed back out of the city. Behind them, they heard Ari’s protests quickly change to moans of pleasure as Urko had his way with her. 

Burke clapped Galen on the back as they walked. "Feeling better, buddy?" he asked the chimpanzee fondly.

"Yes, thank you, I am."

"Well you know, that’s how we affect this world, after all… one being at a time. So if you’re happy, and Ari’s happy, and Urko’s happy, I’d say we’ve done our job for the day, don’t you think?" added Alan, smiling. The three friends walked arm-in-arm off into the sunset.

 

THREE MONTHS LATER:

Ari is back at home in her time. It is evening. In the privacy of her room, she rubs her belly. Thade calls to her in a low, growling voice: "Ready to come to bed, my love?"

She turns, looking whimsically in his direction. Then she looks down at her belly and her expression changes… turning grinch-like, without the green. "I wonder who the next ruler of the Planet of the Apes will be?" she whispers to herself. "The son of Galen? Or Urko…… Leo? or Thade… or…"

Her voice fades, murmuring.

 

FADE TO BLACK